When Does Adulthood Begin, Again?


I’m still in my twenties. It’s the only excuse I have for all the basic things I don’t know how to do, and I’m holding onto it tightly for the remaining 15 or so months for which it applies.

But also during those months I need to learn some of the things I still excuse myself for not knowing. Basic cooking, for one. While I make most of my meals at home, I make the same basic meals with few ingredients. I rarely cook any meat or use any spices or seasoning. My stove top is used frequently but my oven seldom. If I ever cooked for other people they would probably not be impressed.

Another set of skills to learn: home maintenance. I rent. I can call my landlord and get him to fix things (eventually). But I don’t plan on renting forever, as that’s another lifestyle factor I hope to no longer excuse for very long into my 30s. I might as well learn to fix basic things so I know what I’m capable of renovating myself. With a clear idea of that, I can get more bang for my buck around property time, if “my buck” means my six-figure mortgage which oh my god I’ll have to spend decades paying off uuuuuuggggghhhhh! (Another thing to get over before I’m 30: My irrational fear of all kinds of debt.)

Oh! Gardening. This is very healthy and practical, but I need to own gardenable (new word!) property first. So that’s something to learn before I’m 40, so I can jump start my spinster lifestyle.

And then there are the grown-up skills I don’t want to learn. Investing – the financial realm is an artificial (which is to say, man-made) crutch that has already demonstrated its vulnerability and potential to DESTROY THE WORLD. Child-rearing – my womb is only there for decoration; please, no flash photography and do not touch the uterus or go past the velvet rope. Automobile maintenance – I don’t drive now and I don’t aspire to drive in the future. If any of these are requirements for your definition of “adult” status, you may consider me a child for as long as you please. At least then I won’t need to explain all the plush toys in my apartment.


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