The English language, the standard English language, was developed by people with typically functioning brains. The vernacular was not developed by people with mental, psychological, or neurological disorders, abnormalities, or eccentricities – evidenced by the fact that these differences are described as “disorders”, “abnormalities”, and “eccentricities”.
English was not developed by these people, but poetry was. There are emotions and thoughts and sensations that cannot be described by the establishment of English words, the lexicon that has been formed over time through common usage. Unlike Italian, a language only officially established 150 years ago based on the works of Dante, English was not formed around the beauty of its best writers and speakers – hence the dread that otherwise “literate” high school students feel towards works of Shakespeare in their English class curricula.
I’m not a very good poet but I want to get better. I want to be able to describe to the world – the literary-minded world at least – the sensations that English does not encompass. These sensations are described as symptoms, and I fear when they arrive that I am going to soon be labeled “not well” in what is perceived to be some absolute science of the health of the human body. Sometimes there’s a haze – a fog that’s not thick, easy to see through and walk through almost entirely safely, but that stirs the embedded intuition that rain is to come. (Not literally, although having broken a few bones in my lifetime I am in the training process of rheumatologic ESP.) Sometimes it is just an awareness of neurological activity that has been translated into a dance, a multi-sensory dance mixing sight and sound and scent and flavour, with the feelings being a mix of everything that goes on in the brain – the flow of fluid, of electricity, and of air that isn’t there but is. I suppose the word applicable to all three is “current”, and it is both frightening and beautiful.
You don’t understand that words in your mind aren’t actually words until you fail to form them despite a fully functioning voice box. Nobody has let me try writing them down and it’s been the least of my concern when this symptom comes across. This has turned into an internally produced drug trip into a scary warning sign that can’t be ignored, and that is why I no longer embrace it. I weep when normal people mistake the meaning of “déjà vu” for a similar situation that has happened before, both at the misunderstanding of this concept for which English didn’t even make its own word and for their poor minds that have never experienced the spiritual exercise of the wrong synapse taking the call.
Sleep walking and sleep talking with the aid of dreams and hallucinations, when you’re one foot in Stage N1 of sleep and the other foot is hovering over awakedness trying to maintain balance, is so telling of routine and unconscious that when you wake up, either then or later, it opens your eyes to the harmonized relationship between design, the mind, and the human body – that it is a continuous cycle as humans evolved by advantages to the natural environment, and the artificial environment has evolved by advantages to the human. Maybe my vocabulary is too limited to know there is a word for these things. It would be nice to have one to have prevented that unacceptably long run-on sentence.
These phenomena have become a part of who I am. I’m human above all else, fundamentally, and I do not wish to alienate myself from the world I live in by separating society and love and care from my identity because of a few differences. But a reason I have yet to find a partner is, well, that I haven’t been looking, and the reason I haven’t been looking is because I appreciate these maladies of privilege so intensely that it’s rewarding to exist with them as a part of my self. (Those words are intentionally separated because the meaning is very different from the common use of “myself”.) It’s difficult to find somebody, or find it worth the effort to look, when there aren’t even English words to describe these things. However are we to communicate how much we have in common if we are unable to form these words?