As legitimate media outlets go through their retrospectives on world events this year, I’d like to go through a number of the stories that are/will be getting attention on these lists and explain briefly why I care little in the scheme of my own selfish life.
One-year Anniversary of Tahrir Square Revolution: I considered myself moved by, although only minutely relevant to, the Arab Spring because it was an inspiring world event that demonstrated the potential for civilization to change within my lifetime. The anniversary was in the news because the world isn’t patient enough to wait for change to settle; the West wanted to see Egyptians abandon Islam immediately, dammit!
Death of Whitney Houston: ‘Cause IIIIIIIIeeIIIIII was never really into her music. Sad, but I won’t miss out on anything from her passing.
Sandusky Trial: Not having children, and not being obsessed with US college football, this didn’t hit as close to my heart as it would to other people and as it did to America and the connected world at large. It plays a small role in a larger issue of the people we trust with our children, and this is just a secular chapter of what’s been going on in the Catholic church for decades.
London 2012: I didn’t watch the opening ceremonies because I was in transit at the time (on a plane with the option to watch them, but I was using travelling as the excuse), and I hardly paid attention to anything but certain parts of men’s gymnastics and diving. And by “certain parts” I mean segments of the athletes themselves.
Gagnam Style: I still haven’t watched Psy’s videos. It’s a gift to the world that I even know his name. And on that note…
Call Me Maybe: I haven’t heard this song. I haven’t heard Rebecca Black’s “Friday” either. And I haven’t seen Titanic. Sorry guys, I’m just too cool for this shit.
Hostess Going Under: I don’t think I’ve ever had a Twinkie. I’m only concerned about Hickory Sticks, but apparently Hostess Canada is still in business.
Hurricane Sandy: I don’t say this to dismiss its significance for other people. Clearly there were lives devastated, as densely populated as the area affected, and at least from this I got better respect for Governor Christie. On the US presidential campaign trail, which did affect my life through entertainment and fear of consequences, he seemed to be faking hyper-partisanship to cover his ass for a potential future nomination; however, dropping that façade to attend to the emergency in cooperation. But aside from what I saw through media outlets, this did nothing to change my existing views on climate change or the vulnerability of coastal metropolises.
US Fiscal Cliff: That’s not going to affect my life through its haphazard consequences until 2013. Way to go, Boehner.
Anything About the Kardashians: Seriously, let’s stop. They contribute nothing.
Kate Middleton’s Pregnancy: I really hope that my Home and Native Land has abandoned the British monarchy before this child-to-be inherits the throne. The obsession of this story is unhealthy for society as a whole, and one person has already died because of it. It’s ridiculous that the people’s money goes to support royal lifestyles, but it doesn’t mean the public owns the individuals’ lives. The only benefit to my life this story brought was Martin Short on SNL. Oh, Martin Short…