Cold Shoulder in Online Dating


I have an account on OK Cupid that I should really deactivate. I get emails about “good matches” “checking me out” and notifications that someone has sent me a message. I haven’t checked any of these message in ages, let alone responded to them. My profile is out of date –the last time I edited it was to put at the top notifying browsers of its obsolescence and that I may or may not be updating it eventually. My age range of acceptable romantic interests should probably be changed from starting at 22.

See, I’m not a dater. I’m not a relationship person. I went on a few dates facilitated through OK Cupid a few years ago, with three different people. Two of them were blond guys named Stephen. One of those Stephens I may have turned off by going on feminist rants on the first date. The other Stephen was good on paper but I just really didn’t feel like having a relationship. (The physical attraction wasn’t strong either, but that’s tough to get out of me right away.) I never got to know the third one’s name – his username on the website didn’t include it, and we chatted through messages for months before he finally asked me on a date and I decided not to ask by that point out of embarrassment. He was incredibly shy. It was an awkward date. I only ever referred to him as “Mulva” when telling this story to others.

In theory, this website is probably the least creepy option for casual hookups but I’m not motivated enough to actually do that. I pay good rent for my apartment so I like to use it by being there, and with work and playing with dogs keeping me away for a fair chunk of time you have to have a pretty compelling argument (like “awesome person I’ve been friends with for years” or “free alcohol without any subtext of sexual obligations”) to convince me to get out of the house. And I’m at least cautious enough in my personal safety not to invite strangers over for hookups. I give myself that much respect.

So there’s clearly no point. I’m sure some men think it’s unfair that I don’t respond to their messages, that I’m a tease who shouldn’t have a profile up there if I don’t want to go on a date with them. I think those men have terrible grammar and aren’t very interesting. If this is the way I would find someone I am interested in…I would have to tell people that’s where I met him. Telling people that makes it seem like I was interested in dating in the first place. My default state is really single. You have to put up a compelling argument to make me want to give up valuable alone time – invaluable, really, since I don’t pay rent on it nor can anyone else – and it seems like a waste of time to try and find somebody. I prefer to meet new people by accident. I don’t want a funny story to tell people about how we met (well, not a funny story that’s true). I don’t even want to tell people we met. This is most safely ensured by not meeting people at all.

So I should probably delete that account. It will stop all the emails, which is worth more to me than the pleasure of ignoring desperate men.


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