Lethargy. Incongruent lethargy.
I’ve relapsed back into an 8 year habit: The Sims 2. After a few years, a few fresh starts, I created this magnificent game and then…pretty much left it at that. Everything had been done.
I occasionally revisited it but not on the daily time-consuming scale I played it when I had less money and more free time with no motivation to do something constructive with said time. Life was sleeping in, playing Sims 2, going to school or work if I had to, and eating pizza at 1AM with Dirk.
The odd time I played in the past 3 or so years, I was bored easily. But lately, after so many things have for some reason been happening, I feel there’s an authority of active agency to defy. Why go out and communicate? Why set and strive towards new goals? That’s what subconsciously, without words until now, has brought me back to playing the game all weekend and a couple of hours a night.
Somehow tonight I still managed to make myself run, then when sweat was still dripping off my head I washed three days’ worth of dishes. These are the things I should’ve been getting out of the way first. I’m looking for excuses not to shop for food, to delay laundry and other preparation for an upcoming trip. Even watching TV shows or movies is too engaging for my current tastes – it’s relatable in conversation. Nobody wants to hear about my Sims games.
It could be the heat. There’s clearly some sadism still alive in me that gets me doing shit that literally hurts, and when humane towards myself I conserve energy by doing as little as possible. It’s why I’ve been in pajamas in bed for the past half hour – right after washing dishes then brushing my teeth – almost ready to sleep before the sun sets if the heat didn’t keep me up.
But there are some spurts of life that get me to do 30, 45 minutes of basic responsible behaviour every night. That’s an improvement from 2005.