Transcripts from Dirktember 13th

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Friday night was the first time I’d seen Dirk for months. It was a rejuvenating spur-of-the-moment arrangement that goes along well with other change I aim to make in life (though Dirk is fortunately not involved in any of the other changes).

It was hilariously absurd. I had to send a play-by-play to someone who’s never met Dirk so I was texting throughout the night what was going on. This was all very normal for a Dirk experience for me, but the break made it more refreshing and hilarious rather than eye-rolling and borderline morally repulsive. Here are some of the texts I sent:

“He’s talking about working out and his pecks twitching. He’s acting kind of weird…” @ 8:43pm

He’s been spending most of his time at the gym lately. This is new; he used to be tall and skinny and now he’s beefing up and his neck is thick. I don’t know why he seemed a bit more awkward than usual but it’s probably just not seeing each other for months.

“And having unprotected sex.” @ 8:48pm

I’m not going to go into the details he was telling me, but he seems to shrug off all the risks of this with “the girl wants it this way” and “whatever happens happens”. And whatever happens won’t get my sympathy, but Dirk doesn’t care.

The person I’m texting responds with:

“Interesting five minutes!” @8:49pm

“Chlamydia.” @8:50pm

“He bought a $3000 desk chair and a $1000 foot stool to go with it. He should get it within the month.” @9:00pm

Dirk tends to buy ridiculously priced items and have them custom made and shipped from overseas (almost always Germany) and often upon receiving it realizes something’s wrong and has to send it back and wait even longer. Or he buys something so outrageously overpriced then finds something twice the price but slightly more “ergonomically advanced” and wants to sell what he bought for thousands of dollars and buy that other item.

The stranger to Dirk’s ways asks:

“Chlamydia or the desk?” @9:02pm

Very charming of this person.

“Classic.” @9:05pm

“Within two sentences, David Cross and Bob Odenkirk to terabytes of porn.” @9:24pm

“Impressive.” @9:25pm

Dirk and I used to hang out into wee hours when we were both un(der)employed back in 2005 and rent movies from a store that’s no longer there, picking up his roasted garlic and banana peppers pizza on the way back to my parents’ place. One of the DVDs we rented once was the entire series of Mr. Show. This was when Arrested Development was originally on so seeing original David Cross was one of those bonding experiences with Dirk that makes it easier to stay friends with him through the most ridiculous of shit he does. David Cross and Bob Odenkirk shared the guest seat plus a segment cameo on The Daily Show this past week, and from there I think he talked about wanting to watch Breaking Bad but not having space to download it onto his computer. Because of the porn.

“Now he’s reading out an email about new landlord legislation.” @9:26pm

“He’s literally had sex with a grandmother.” @9:29pm

The other person says that’s “another impressive transition” of conversation topics within minutes. At some point, probably a tangent from his condom-free sex life bringing in a mention of the show Californication, we managed to move from talking about the 20th anniversary X-Files to the Syrian civil war in a sentence and a half.

“He brought twenty-nine tofu sausages. And some mustard. To make and eat here.” @9:35pm

“He’s nuking the sausages.” @9:47pm

“He threatened to get mustard on my rug again.” @9:48pm

Last Halloween he dressed as the ghost of Steve Jobs and was at a club near my apartment between the next place he had to go. As he always does when there’s a lull, he called me to ask if he could come over and hang out. I was just on my way home from a bar so we met when I arrived. He hadn’t eaten anything or been in a restaurant, but one of his shoes had mustard on the bottom in a very specific spot. We didn’t find that out until he barely stepped on my living room rug with that one shoe and its very specific spot. Fucker got mustard on my rug.

“It smells terrible. Also, he just said: “You wouldn’t to have any Yop, would you?”” @9:59pm

“Is this a real person? Has to be, you can’t make this shit up!” @10:01pm

“Unfortunately…” @10:02pm

We left for the corner store, because I had no Yop. And we needed to be optimistic. Maybe the corner store did.

After we each bought chocolate milk there (he bought a whole litre in a plastic jug; I got 500ml in a cardboard carton; sadly there was no Yop) we sat on a bench that’s inside of a fountain and talked about the fall weather getting to the perfect night temperature for sleeping comfortably under a warm blanket.

“He’s blowing his nose straight into the public garbage can.” @10:20pm

“Now he’s lying on my couch on his phone. If he doesn’t have somewhere else to go he’ll fall asleep and I’ll have to go to torturous measures to get him to leave.” @10:34

Like pluck out his leg hairs. It’s happened before.

“Did I mention one of the first things he said tonight is that he’s sleeping with a woman who has a boyfriend, without any birth control?” @10:39pm

“And he may have an STD from fingering her. And he just wants to sit and watch me play video games.” @10:43pm

A couple of side notes: a) this woman is not the grandmother, and b) the non-sequitur of manually transmitted STDs and watching me play video games came from Dirk’s mouth just as disconnectedly as it did in the transcribing text.

“The only word I can up with is odd. Really fucking odd. Every last detail is odd.” @10:46pm

“He’s on the executive council of the Manitoba Green Party!” @10:51pm

“And out of all the things he does and says, he apologizes for scratching his balls from the outside. Then humps the air and farts.” @10:54pm

“Dirk’s fallen asleep on me. Please say you haven’t done the same.” @11:04pm

“I’m farting in Dirk’s face because he won’t leave.” @11:10pm

“No, I’m awake. Did you get him out?” @11:13pm

“No, but I threw gonorrhea at him…” @11:14

(I have one of those plush virus dolls.)

“I may have caught a disease through his armpit. Anyway, that was my evening with Dirk. What have you been up to?” @11:18

I consider it a success to get him out of my apartment before midnight. There was a lot of farting and Dirk’s annoying cackle of a dorky villain. He talked about genetically engineering an über race of sexually attractive people, having parents pick out genes for their children specifically so they’ll fuck a lot when they get to the appropriate age. (For Dirk that’s 18 only out of legal reasons – and clearly with the GILF example he doesn’t have an upper limit as long as she’s sexy.)

As with every hangout, he ended it with “we should hang out more” saying he now has more time because he’s been busy lately but taken care of a lot of things. As with every hangout I say I’ll have to space them out to prevent a murder. He’s a lot to handle. At the end of a week of new experiences and adjusting to changes, seeing him for the first time since the Pride parade and having the first real conversations with him since my birthday was good timing. It may be a few more months before anything like this works out again.

But for now, I’ve been reminded there are worse things to do than what I’m doing, and worse people to be than me. Whatever odd image I project from a selection of traits that go against the grain of people’s perceived reality, Dirk thinks the withdrawal method works and brings tofu Italian sausages with him to microwave wherever he goes.

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